


This is Not Funny

by a_steady_wish



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Gen, Post-Episode: s3e12 War of the Coprophages
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-18
Updated: 2017-06-18
Packaged: 2018-11-15 10:42:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11229294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_steady_wish/pseuds/a_steady_wish
Summary: “Her name is Bambi, Mulder.” Scully teased gently, popping straws into their drinks. Her eyes flitted up, trying to meet his, hoping to read what he was feeling; he had gone out fairly happy, and now seemed sullen. When he didn’t return the eye contact, she pressed further: “Did something happen?”





	This is Not Funny

**Author's Note:**

> This was written in response to a Tumblr prompt for "Don't laugh. Do. Not. Laugh. This is not funny."

The motel room door creaked open as Mulder shuffled in, carrying a bag of take-out from the only place in town that was still open. Scully sat on the bed in her pajamas, hair damp from the shower, TV turned on low. Mulder made a gagging sound as he noticed that Planet of the Apes was on.

“Don’t you like this movie?” Scully asked, reaching for the bag. He shucked his filthy coat as she laid out their meals, side by side, on a towel on top of the bedspread.

“I saw Ba – Dr. Berenbaum – at the restaurant,” Mulder admitted, kicking off his dirty shoes.

“Her name is Bambi, Mulder.” Scully teased gently, popping straws into their drinks. Her eyes flitted up, trying to meet his, hoping to read what he was feeling; he had gone out fairly happy, and now seemed sullen. When he didn’t return the eye contact, she pressed further: “Did something happen?”

Mulder disappeared into the bathroom, and she could hear him banging around in there, displeased. Eventually he emerged wearing shorts and a tee shirt, his hands washed, still not quite himself. Scully scooted over to one side of the large bed to make room for him. He begrudgingly plopped himself down next to her with a thump.

Scully chose silence, hoping he would talk when he was ready. As a concession to his hurt feelings, she grabbed the remote and flipped channels, settling on a documentary about tornadoes.

“I trietakser,” Mulder muttered softly into his chicken sandwich after many minutes of quiet.

Scully looked up from her Coke, surprised. “What?”

He sighed, annoyed to have to repeat himself. “I tried… I tried to kiss her, Scully.”

“You tried to kiss… Bambi?” Scully couldn’t help herself; she shuddered at the name. She felt prickly at the thought of her partner making moon eyes at that woman, and her awful name made it even worse. “What happened?”

“I don’t wanna talk about it.” Mulder gulped his iced tea, staring at the small television.

“Okay.”

Another minute of quiet passed between them, but Scully knew he would talk again. Once Mulder got started, he always finished his story.

She was right.

“You know what, Scully? I – we saved her life, and we solved this case. And I really thought she liked me. You know what she said to me?”

Scully said nothing, feeling her cheeks pink as she watched him out of the corner of her eye. Mulder’s disbelief at being turned down – by a woman who, truthfully, wasn’t any good for him – as well as his perfect timing with his story, was all becoming too much to handle. A girlish giggle was threatening to burst from her throat, but she clamped it down by sucking heartily on her straw, willing her throat muscles to stop tightening.

Mulder balled up his food wrappers and tossed them into the garbage can next to the bed. “She said ‘There’s manure in your hair, Agent Mulder’. Can you believe it, Scully?”

Scully knew as soon as her mouth opened, she would laugh – and as much as it would feel so, so good to laugh after this day that they’d had, she didn’t want it to be at Mulder’s expense. With her lips tightly together, she shook her head in agreement with him: No, no, can’t believe it.

Mulder was looking at her for the first time since he had come in with the food earlier. Their faces were inches apart, and she was beginning to make a strange squeaking noise as she held in her laughter.

“Don’t laugh,” he warned her. “Do. Not. Laugh. This is not funny.”

“It’s – “ she peeped, not able to control her vocal chords as well as she’d hoped, “it’s a little bit funny…”

“Scully!” Mulder exclaimed. He looked mock-betrayed, but she noticed a hint of mirth reappearing in his hazel eyes; she nudged his calf with her foot. “I thought she might be the one,” he remarked dejectedly, gazing at her for sympathy, and then Scully was gone, laughing so hard her belly cramped up and tears rolled down her face. Her head ended up on his shoulder, and before she knew it, he was laughing too, his chin resting on her head as his own body shook with the hilarity of it all. His hand found hers between them, and he squeezed her fingers in camaraderie.

Calming down, Scully took a deep breath, and regarded him with the fond expression of a best friend. “I hate to tell you this, Mulder, but there is still manure in your hair.”

He wiped the merry tears from his eyes, took a deep breath and grumbled his acknowledgement; Scully passed him her French fries, because she knew how much he liked them.

“Don’t worry about it, Mulder,” she advised. “Somewhere out there, your dream woman awaits.”

“Thanks, Scully,” he said quietly, giving her a half-smile. He bumped her foot back with his calf, letting her know what her friendship meant to him without saying a word.


End file.
